Tolerant with others. Strict with yourself.

Marcus Aurelius has many quotes that are well-known throughout the world even to those who do not study Stoicism. One such quote I have heard many times over the years but this past weekend it hit a little harder, “Tolerant with others. Strict with yourself.” I have been reading Discipline is Destiny by Ryan Holiday and the entire book helps me see not only where I can improve but also how. So why did that particular quote get to me? 

In the past, perfectionism was my game. Fortunately, my game has changed. Now I still have high expectations and constantly want to improve. Holiday says it in this way, “You’re never content with your progress and yet, you're always content….because you’re making progress.” Think about it. We can all improve and that should not be scary! We can do one small improvement everyday and that allows continuous progress. Are some days going to be better than others? Hell yeah. Will we ever fail? I sure hope so…we most certainly have so many opportunities in our failures. 

Here’s where I’m going with this. I have areas to improve myself so I can be self-disciplined. But right now I see a major area of improvement is needed. I need to higher my expectations of myself when it comes to others. I say it this way because, to me, lowering the expectations for others sounds judgmental. I must stop expecting people to be like me because no one is me. It’s impossible. I already have the self-discipline to be hard on myself, that part is EASY! But again Holiday says this so, so well, “The only person you get to be truly hard on is you. It will take every ounce of your self-control to enforce that - not because it’s hard to be hard on yourself, but because it’s so hard to let people get away with things you’d never allow in yourself. To let them do things you know are bad for them, to let them slack off when you see so much more in them.” Why is this point valid? Because we must focus on what we can control, which is ourselves. 

We have enough on our hands when we look inward. We don’t have time to be intolerant of others and judge them. We must maintain and improve our self-discipline. We must focus within. Not everyone is living the same life we are nor do they have the same goals. We must be able to lift others up who are different from us. 

What can we do then? How do we become tolerant (or more tolerant)? Serve as an example but don’t try to be the example. Do what you are doing without the expectations others will follow suit. Keep being self-disciplined on what you value and people will see this. And do all of this with the intent of self-improvement not to impress others. And guess what? There are still going to be people who think you are judging them because you choose to do something different or tell them no so you can live up to your values. And there are going to be people who see your example and run with it and are inspired. But the point for you is to have self-control and self-discipline and yes I keep using the word ‘self’ because that’s who you must focus on: SELF. We are the only people who will live with ourselves for the entirety of our lives. So what will you do to be tolerant of others? What will you do to show empathy for others who aren’t like you? What will you do that leads others through example? How will you cheer others on in their individual journeys? When we can answer these questions, we will become kinder, happier, more understanding and content. So I am going to keep working on myself because that’s what I can control.

You know what is super cool? We can all help each other without being superior or egotistic. We can be our genuine selves. Some may say this blog post is counterintuitive for a coach. But this is why I love coaching. I can come with non-judging questions and an open heart (metaphorically). People come to me for help. I do not push my beliefs on them. I simply open their minds to the possibilities of the opportunities and growth in their lives.

There is so much more to this than this short blog so I encourage you to check out Discipline is Destiny - the Power of Self-Control.

Ending this with a Holiday quote (of course), “None of us are so perfect that we can afford to spend much time questioning other people’s courage, nitpicking their habits, trying to push them to reach their potential. Not when we have so much further to go ourselves.”

Good effort. Positive attitude.